What Is It About?
Napkin Version
Anger is a core emotion that helps us to protect ourselves and our loved ones, scare off a physical threat, and defend our territory. In modern day living, anger is more common in events that threaten our security, respect, or sense of belonging within our family, social group, workplace, or community, since these can impact the quality of our life, or our ability to earn money.
It's also common when our ability to achieve something has been hindered, or where there has been an injustice which affects us.
Typically the bigger the perceived threat, or the deeper the threat goes e.g. where our safety or security is at risk, the more vulnerable we feel, and the more intense our anger is likely to be.
Anger is part of our fight-flight survival response mechanism, so our initial interpretation of the situation is usually made by a more primitive part of the brain, which is faster than the rational thinking part, but not necessarily accurate.
So while there are times where we need to take action to protect ourselves and our loved ones from genuine harm, reacting while Angry can often create further difficulties.
So the key is to take a step back and assess things, so we can choose a more effective response, and direct our energy towards taking the right action, at the right time, to get a better outcome.
Handling Anger
In The Moment
Training our brain to use a relevant process helps us to focus more effectively and move on more easily. Using it often will also help our brain to catch Anger sooner, making it easier to manage.
It may be more difficult to do this process when the intensity of Anger is strong though, so it can be worth every effort then, to teach our brain this simple process whenever the intensity is mild. Then it will be more likely to default to this process when it is more intense, making it easier to respond (rather than react) in the more challenging situations.
If we start to feel anger build in a situation, it’s worthwhile doing everything we can to say to ourselves (silently) ‘Wait!’.
Creating this little gap will give the rational part of our brain more of a chance to catch up, and will also tell it that we want to respond, not react.
As soon as we get a little gap, telling ourselves to step back will let our body know we are safe enough to back off, and that we don’t need to fight in this one. If we physically step back, our body language may also help to reduce tension in the situation.
If the situation continues to aggravate us, removing ourselves from it altogether to somewhere we can relax, can give ourselves a better chance to settle down and let the mist clear. Time out in nature is particularly good for this.
Once our rational brain has gained more control, we can start to think through our options for handling things more effectively (see the Working Through Anger section), and channel our anger energy towards more positive and constructive action.
Self-Reflection
If the emotion feels quite troubling, it’s usually worth checking if something else is going on first.
By resolving things in ourselves and clearing any other residual emotions, we can reduce the intensity of the emotion - now and when we encounter it again in future.
Doing so also makes us less likely to ‘attract’ other difficulties that leave us feeling the same way.
See the Processing and Clearing an Emotion page for a generic process to resolve and clear an emotion.
Working Through Anger
The actions we choose to take in response to an emotion can make a significant difference to how well we adjust and move on from it.
The more we take genuine actions that are uplifting and ‘right’ i.e., are good for ourselves and everyone else (including the environment and other living beings) - for now, and over the long-term, the better our experience of life becomes.
Once the mist has cleared and our nervous system has settled a bit, we can take a closer look at the situation to get a better understanding, e.g.,
Identifying what we feel is at risk, and what might be behind our anger.
Checking if there is anything else going on, that is making things harder for us at the moment (see the Self-Reflection section).
Accepting what we do and don’t have control of.
Taking a bit more time to ask questions, listen to the perspectives of everyone else involved, and do any other research that will help to shed light.
Identifying the root cause by digging into anything else affecting the situation, and what affects them. It may help to sit down and do a mind map for this.
Looking at the natural flow and cycles of the situation, and any relevant natural forces at play.
Checking our intuition for further insight or direction.
Getting clear in our own mind of what we expect, and what we will and won’t accept, from others.
Assessing what responsibilities each person (including ourselves) has in the situation. Then looking at how well they are being met.
Considering what it would be like to be each person in the situation.
Deciding if we need to take any poor behaviour personally. Especially if the situation is stressful, or if there are other things going on with the person.
Considering if being more flexible with our expectations, will make things easier on everyone, including ourselves.
Then when we have a more balanced perspective, the following can help us to find a better way forward:
Defining the outcome we are looking for, in a positive and constructive way, and imagining what it will be like to achieve it (to give our brain a clear direction, and the inspiration to find a way).
Looking at ways we can help things run more smoothly with anyone else involved. Often putting ourselves in their shoes will make it easier for us to know what would help.
Working it through with anyone else involved, so there is:
a common understanding of the situation
a shared view of what everyone wants and needs
everyone taking responsibility for their part
collaboration to find the best value in the situation for everyone.
enough support and respect for each other to work together to get a positive outcome.
Focusing on the capabilities and resources we currently have, so we can keep moving forward towards the outcome we want.
Coming up with solutions that are doable now, but also enable us to make improvements later.
Taking positive constructive action.
Clearing Residual Anger
Emotional energy can stick with us, even after we have worked through and resolved whatever caused it.
There are a number of ways we can clear the energy, including doing something physical in nature, imagining the emotion leaving our body, or for more intense emotions, there is a variety of different therapies and alternative forms of energy healing that can also help.
This short video has been created to help the imagination process:
Imagine holding a ball of energy in your hands, and ‘charging’ it with the feeling of love, and anything else that would help to offset it (especially any feelings that were missing in the situation)
Imagine any residual Anger energy flowing out of your body, into the ball, and being transformed into the positive equivalent.
Once all the residual energy has left, imagine the ball shooting far out into the atmosphere and dissolving into pure white light energy.
