What Is It About?
Napkin Version
Grief often accompanies a significant loss in our life - be that of a loved one, an experience, or even a future we had our heart set on. It comes in many forms as it helps us to accept, come to terms with, and make our way through the transition in our own way and own time - since every person, every loss, and every life journey, is different.
If we experience a major loss in our life, it can feel like our world has been turned upside down, inside out, and flipped around. Much of what we knew and loved about our life is no longer. This kind of loss can be dis-orienting, mind-numbing, emotion-charging, and deeply painful – all at the same time. It can be even more challenging if we also need to make significant life decisions while going through the emotional turmoil that the loss brings.
It’s no surprise then that this kind of loss can take some time to make our way through.
Some of the factors that can contribute to the intensity of Grief felt include:
if the loss was unexpected, or the situation involved some kind of shock or other intense emotions.
how important who/what has been lost was to us, and if we deeply miss them/the experience.
if there are things left unsaid.
how much impact they/it, and the loss, will have upon our life.
Having good support around us can help to reduce some of the intensity of our Grief, especially if it is from others who are going through (or have been through) a similar experience. Grief Support Groups can be very helpful in this way.
We can also experience a variety of other intense emotions whilst we work through Grief – not only as a result of the void we feel and the upheaval we are going through, but also because our nervous system will be overworked with processing the loss and any associated trauma. So what may normally generate a lower intensity emotion e.g., Frustration, can instead generate a higher intensity one e.g., Anger.
Often it is difficult to allow ourselves to properly grieve until after the initial arrangements have been taken care of e.g. after the funeral of a loved one, or after we have physically left a job or relationship.
Pure Grief tends to pass through in waves of emotion. Over time, these waves will usually be less often, and on average, less intense. However they can occasionally be stronger than recent waves, especially around special occasions or events in our life.
We often never completely ‘get over’ a significant loss, but instead usually gain a deeper appreciation, reverence, and gratitude, for the impact the loved one or experience had upon our life. This deeper sense of appreciation is a gift on its own, as it usually provides us with a new level of ‘knowing’ and a greater understanding of life.
So through the grieving process we are reminded of the importance of life, the value of our life experiences, and the impact we have upon each other as we go through it.
Handling Grief
In The Moment
Training our brain to use a relevant process helps us to work through it more effectively, and move on from it more easily.
Once we have a good understanding of our loss (or as good as we can get), we can start to make our way through the grieving process.
Grief is a very personal experience, and each person will experience it differently, so it’s important to let ourselves work through it in our own way.
If we then reflect upon our memories and the impact the loved one or experience had on us, and honour them/it in a way that feels right to us, our heart can start to mend – albeit ever so slightly to begin with.
Self-Reflection
If the emotion feels quite troubling, it’s usually worth checking if something else is going on first.
By resolving things in ourselves and clearing any other residual emotions, we can reduce the intensity of the emotion - now and when we encounter it again in future.
Doing so also makes us less likely to ‘attract’ other difficulties that leave us feeling the same way.
See the Processing and Clearing an Emotion page for a generic process to resolve and clear an emotion.
Working Through Grief
The actions we choose to take in response to an emotion can make a significant difference to how well we adjust and move on from it.
The more we take genuine actions that are uplifting and ‘right’ i.e., are good for ourselves and everyone else (including the environment and other living beings) - for now, and over the long-term, the better our experience of life becomes.
Grief is a process that can take us a while to make our way through. How we do so can vary according to what part of the process we are in:
IN the early stages
Some of the things we can do to help us in the early stages of Grief include:
Having the information we need to understand the loss, especially if it is unexpected. Often we can’t begin to process our grief until after we have moved past any shock or trauma.
If our loss involves a death, ensuring our loved one is laid to rest with the best care we can provide, and in keeping with their style and wishes.
Thinking back over our past experiences so we can appreciate the impact the person, animal, relationship, experience, chapter, or opportunity, has had upon our life, and upon ourselves.
Honouring the importance of who/what we will be parted from in our farewell to them, and in any on-going legacy.
Allowing ourselves whatever time and space we need to process our loss, and to adjust to the changes it brings to our life.
Being gentle with ourselves, taking care of ourselves, and giving ourselves what we need to work through it. Doing the same for anyone else we share the loss with.
Asking for and accepting any support we need, and thanking the kind-hearted souls who are able to provide it.
Appreciating that not everyone has the capacity, ability, knowledge, or courage, to be able to offer the support that Grief needs, and forgiving them for that.
Reviewing and safeguarding our cherished memories e.g. creating photo albums or video compilations, or collating and storing memorabilia, and keeping it all accessible and protected.
as time goes on
As we work through our Grief, the following can also be helpful:
Continuing to allow ourselves as much time and space as we need, without pressure to ‘get over it’, get back to ‘normal’, or move on.
If the loss was unexpected, then visualising a conversation with our loved one, can help our mind to process things more easily. For a guided exercise on this, download for free from www.sallysteadman.com/grief/audio
Allowing gentle conversations to happen in their own time and way, with those who share the loss, or who were part of the experience (before, during, or after the loss).
Sharing with others who have been through a similar experience, and being part of an experienced community.
Spending time in situations that allow us to feel safe, and our heart warmed e.g. a warm cuppa in a sunny spot, with a loved one (human or animal) by our side.
Processing other emotions associated with the change, and if relevant, finding a way to forgive those who had a part to play.
Honouring the person/experience by adopting the things we admired most into how we live our life going forward e.g. if they had a great sense of humour, incorporating more humour into our own interactions with others.
Allowing new experiences and people to enter our life, while we continue to process our loss. Adapting to change usually takes longer than a moment, so we don’t need to finish grieving before we explore new experiences. And trying new experiences doesn’t mean we have forgotten who/what we have lost.
entering a new chapter
Often once we have processed a significant loss, we see life with a greater reverence, or at least a different lens, Out of that we may have a greater appreciation for the preciousness of our time and experiences, and the importance of our connections with others. This alone can result in an out growth of parts of our ‘old’ life.
We may remain in the same areas of our life, but take on a different role within our community e.g. become a mentor in a sport we can no longer participate in.
Or we may slowly move away from these past experiences towards something new. Eventually, this can result in some activities, relationships, roles, or even our path in life, closing down.
At the same time, new relationships start to form, we take on new roles, and new paths start to open up, as we engage in new activities, and continue to explore options for our next chapter.
The time may arrive when we know a new chapter awaits us, and often it requires courage to walk across the page from the empty space at the end of the last chapter, onto the first page of the next one. It is worth the effort to do so though, as staying in the empty space for too long can result in our life shutting down around us, leaving us feeling empty, lost, and alone in the dark.
To take the steps that feel right for us, and our life story, is to honour ourselves and our own life. If we do so with full reverence for everyone and everything our past has provided, we can continue a life story that also honours them, and allows us to incorporate their magic into it as we go.
Clearing Residual Grief
Emotional energy can stick with us, even after we have worked through and resolved whatever caused it.
There are a number of ways we can clear the energy, including doing something physical in nature, imagining the emotion leaving our body, or for more intense emotions, there is a variety of different therapies and alternative forms of energy healing that can also help.
This short video has been created to help the imagination process:
Imagine holding a ball of energy in your hands, and ‘charging’ it with the feeling of love, and anything else that would help to offset it (especially any feelings that were missing in the situation)
Imagine any residual Grief energy flowing out of your body, into the ball, and being transformed into the positive equivalent.
Once all the residual energy has left, imagine the ball shooting far out into the atmosphere and dissolving into pure white light energy.
