What Is It About?

Napkin Version

Infatuation provides us with the motivational nudge we often need to take the risk of connecting with others.  However it can create trouble for us if we blindly follow it, especially when based upon a shallow view of the person. 

It can feed an intense desire for the other person, which is great for physical chemistry, and giving us a powerful feeling of euphoria.  However it can sometimes motivate us so strongly, we can inflate the positive aspects of someone, and downplay the negative, resulting in an overly positive view of them. 

We can also ignore clear signs that the person is not a good match for us, or can even give up some of our power in order to secure and maintain the relationship.  Both of these can make life a lot harder for us.

THE PHYSIOLOGY

Researchers have identified three different motivational components that drive our ‘mating’ behaviour:

  • Lust: a largely hormonal-based physiological craving to seek sexual gratification.  This is thought to be the basic drive for reproduction.

  • Attraction: where we feel an increased energy and focus upon a potential mate, along with the craving for an emotional union.  This is where Infatuation lives, and is thought to help us to make a more refined selection of a partner. 

  • Attachment: where we work to keep a close social contact. This is thought to help the relationship last long enough for our children to become successfully independent.

We can feel one or more of these at the same time towards the same person, or each one separately towards different people e.g., we can desire a sexual encounter with one person, feel infatuated by another, all while feeling a deep love and commitment for a third person.

MASTERING OUR PHYSIOLOGY

Thankfully, human behaviour has evolved to a more sophisticated level than our basic physiological urges, and we have some control over how we respond to them (rather than blindly reacting).   The decisions we make regarding our relationships can impact the quality of them, and the quality of our life, so it is worth every effort to manage ourselves carefully, and to choose wisely.

ATTRACTION HAS MANY FACETS

Interestingly we can sometimes feel attracted to people who may not be a good match for a longer term relationship, but help us to change or grow in some way (usually without consciously realising it).  These people are often one or more of the following:

  • Strong in qualities we want more of in ourselves.

  • Weak in areas we deny in ourselves.

  • Behave in ways that trigger emotions needing our attention.

  • Help us to ‘escape’ from a challenging or stressful situation.

  • Teach us some kind of important life lesson.

In this regard, Infatuation can show us what to look at in ourselves, to grow into more of what we want to be, or to resolve something that may be holding us back.  Just recognising this can often reduce the intensity of Infatuation, making it easier for us to handle, and to determine what is best for us.

  • Since infatuation can be a very intense emotion, taking a step back to give ourselves space gives our physiology a chance to settle down. This allows our rational part of the brain to have more influence upon our decision-making.

  • Once we have a clearer focus, it can help to look past the surface to make a more balanced assessment.

  • Identifying the parts of their character we find most attractive, and considering if we could develop those in ourselves, often reduces the intensity of Infatuation. This then makes it easier to manage, and to make decisions that are good for us in the long-term.

Handling Infatuation

In The Moment

Training our brain to use a relevant process helps us to focus more effectively and move on more easily. Using it often will also help our brain to catch Infatuation sooner, making it easier to manage.

Self-Reflection

If the emotion feels quite troubling, it’s usually worth checking if something else is going on first.

By resolving things in ourselves and clearing any other residual emotions, we can reduce the intensity of the emotion - now and when we encounter it again in future. 

Doing so also makes us less likely to ‘attract’ other difficulties that leave us feeling the same way.

See the Processing and Clearing an Emotion page for a generic process to resolve and clear an emotion.

Working Through Infatuation

The actions we choose to take in response to an emotion can make a significant difference to how well we adjust and move on from it.

The more we take genuine actions that are uplifting and ‘right’ i.e., are good for ourselves and everyone else (including the environment and other living beings) - for now, and over the long-term, the better our experience of life becomes.

It’s not always easy to navigate our way through Infatuation due to the intensity often felt. 

The following can help us to maintain a more balanced approach, and to keep things at a more manageable pace:

  • Acknowledging the physiological aspects, and giving that a suitable level of importance, all while considering the larger picture of our life (and what we are wanting to do with it).

  • Identifying what might be underneath our attraction, seeing it for what it is, and focussing upon ourselves first.

  • Knowing what type of relationship we really want, and what aspects are important to us. See the section below.

  • Looking at things from a long-term perspective.

  • Slowing things down a bit to get to know their true character beyond their immediate behaviour and personality.

  • Checking that both people are putting in a similar effort over time.  If only one person rows, both end up going around in circles.

  • Checking our intuition whilst balancing our head, heart, and hormones, to help know what would be good for us.

  • If it is an opportunity worth exploring, then taking things gently while we build solid foundations. This enables us to have a more realistic perspective on things, and to enjoy the feelings that a longer-lasting type of mutual attraction brings.

 

If we decide that acting upon the attraction wouldn’t be good for us, then the following may help [also see the Desire page]:

  • Appreciating the opportunity for what it was, or what we learned from considering it, and feeling grateful for the variety of experiences that life offers us.

  • Putting some space between them and ourselves.

  • Distracting our focus onto something more important to us.

  • Picturing the situation with all the negative consequences it comes with, and keeping that in mind whenever we think of them.

 While all of this analysis sounds quite unromantic, it can help to put us in a much better position to decide whether to explore the connection with confidence, hold back a bit until we have more clarity, or distract ourselves away from it.

IF WE ARE SEEKING A RELATIONSHIP

It might help to take a moment to consider where we are at in ourselves, what kind of relationship would suit us best at this point, and what ingredients would help to make it one we can thrive in.

  • FOCUSING UPON OURSELVES FIRST:

    Part of the desire of having a relationship is in feeling understood, important, and cared for.

    We can also experience these feelings by the way we treat ourselves e.g., by doing things that help us to understand ourselves better, help us to feel important to ourselves, and that show we care for ourselves, such as:

    • trying new experiences to get to know ourselves better

    • doing more of what is important to us

    • giving ourselves what we need - every day

    • clearing out any emotions that hold us back.

    Doing these things also increases the chance of having a healthy relationship with someone else, since they help to build a stronger core within ourselves.

    FROM WANTING TO SHARING:

    Sometimes we want a relationship so we can feel more complete as a person. This puts pressure on the relationship, and the other person in it. If we take the time to do the work mentioned above, our focus can shift from needing a relationship in order to feel whole, towards feeling whole and wanting to share our passion for life with others - which we can do in many different ways, with many different types of relationships.

    RESPECTING OUR NEED FOR GROWTH:

    Whether we look for it or not, relationships often help us to grow as a person. Recognising our need for growth, and actively pursuing suitable opportunities that help us to grow, can take unnecessary pressure off our relationships.

  • Getting clear about what kind of relationship we want can make it easier to stay focussed upon what is most suitable for us.

    RELATIONSHIP FLAVOURS:

    Relationships come in all shapes and sizes, and each meets different needs and provides different experiences. Aside from the enjoyment that bonding closely with someone else brings, relationships can also give us opportunities we wouldn’t normally experience as an individual.

    Some of the many different flavours a relationship can have include:

    1. LOVING AND BEING LOVED - feeling part of a ‘team’, working together to understand, accept, and support each other, as we make our way through life.

    2. GENERAL WELL-BEING - providing us with experiences that support our general sense of well-being e.g., emotional intimacy, physical affection, sexual expression, a sense of safety and security, etc.

    3. BEST FRIEND / COMPANION / PARTNER IN CRIME - sharing the adventures and experiences of life with someone we love being around, who we trust and respect, and who also has similar interests, values, and/or perspectives.

    4. SELF-KNOWLEDGE & GROWTH - helping us to determine what we do and don’t want in a relationship, and also providing us with reflections and situations that help us to get to know ourselves better, and to grow as a person.

    5. A RELIABLE FOUNDATION - providing us with a solid foundation and a safe haven, enabling us to push ourselves and take risks in other areas of our life.

    6. RELAXATION, ENJOYMENT, ESCAPE - providing us with an outlet to forget about our greater responsibilities for a while, and simply let go and have fun.

    7. A COMMON PURPOSE - working together to produce something greater than what each could do on their own e.g., raise a family, or combine resources and skills to pursue a purposeful project.

    Each person can be looking for different flavours in their next relationship, and this will often change over the course of their lifetime.

    Sometimes we don’t consciously look for the flavours we end up with e.g. self-knowledge and growth, and it is not until we are in the relationship, or look back upon it, that we realise what it did for us. So when we look back on past relationships, it can be helpful to recognise how they influenced us to be the person we are today.

    RELATIONSHIP TYPES:

    Once we know what flavour(s) we are consciously looking for, we can think about which type of relationship would be best for us at this point in our life e.g.,

    • Colleague, Friend, Close Friend

    • Casual Relationship

    • Short-Term Relationship

    • Long-Term Relationship

    While this may seem an obvious thing to check with each other up-front, it is often glossed over when the feelings of Infatuation are strong.

    RELATIONSHIP ASPECTS:

    Once we know the kind of relationship we are after, it becomes easier to consider which aspects would help it to flourish, such as (but not limited to):

    • Physical, intellectual, emotional, and/or spiritual connections.

    • Each person has love, trust, and respect for themselves and the other person.

    • Common life values.

    • Open and respectful communication - speaking and listening.

    • A healthy environment of understanding, acceptance, support, loyalty, teamwork, and commitment.

  • It is very difficult, if not impossible, for love and judgement to exist together. 

    The kind of environment where unconditional love flourishes, is usually a lot more enjoyable and rewarding than a relationship which operates under a set of rules and expectations. 

    Judgement often creeps in when one or both feel at risk in some way or another. Catching judgement early, and recognising it for the signal it is, can help to shift the focus towards what sits beneath it, and to restore an atmosphere of love.

    Some relationships last a life-time, while some burn out quickly. 

    Each relationship will have a different natural end point - the point where parting would enable each person (and anyone else affected) to continue to thrive in themselves. 

    For this reason, it’s important for both to do their level best to ensure each person can thrive whilst in the relationship, and to also be comfortable with letting it go if/when they can’t - for everyone’s sake.

Clearing Residual Infatuation

Emotional energy can stick with us, even after we have worked through and resolved whatever caused it.

There are a number of ways we can clear the energy, including doing something physical in nature, imagining the emotion leaving our body, or for more intense emotions, there is a variety of different therapies and alternative forms of energy healing that can also help.

  • The short video below has been created to help imagine emotional energy leave the body, using the following visualisation process:

    • Imagine holding a ball of energy in your hands, and ‘charging’ it with the feeling of love, and anything else that would help to offset it (especially any feelings that were missing in the situation)

    • Imagine any residual Anger energy flowing out of your body, into the  ball, and being transformed into the positive equivalent.

    • Once all the residual energy has left, imagine the ball shooting far out into the atmosphere and dissolving into pure white light energy.